Dear "Not All Men"

A Letter of Thanksgiving in Advance (TIA)

Photo by Ralf Knüfer on Unsplash

November 28, 2024

Dear Not All Men,

It has taken me weeks to know what to say in the wake of the second unfathomable election in eight years. I thought about saying nothing. After all, what is there left to say? The proverbial pooch has been screwed. But glossing over it felt wrong. The short- and long-term future of our nation deserves some focused consideration.

In early days, I did what I did in 2016. I got together with my best women friends. We pre-planned togetherness, whether in victory or defeat. These are the women who taught me how to use my voice when we were college students at the University of Michigan, publicly educating on women’s reproductive rights in the early 90s, when abortion was only a threatened right, not an eliminated one. As is our custom, we laughed, drank, commiserated, and then tried to figure out what went wrong and what to do next. We are women of action.

In 2017, we marched in Washington D.C., with 500,000 other women who insisted we matter to a government that perpetually tells us we don’t, or at least that we matter less. No one is marching this time. It is only minimally about us, because Dobbs prevailed over Roe, and women are dying trying to get basic medical care. We’ve been discounted for so many years, we are an afterthought, old news in the examination of who has been truly harmed by re-electing a monster to the highest office in the land.

This time, it was clearly “the economy, stupid.” And even that was overly abstract. When broken down, it showed us that, above all else, the ability to afford groceries, to pay for housing, to survive was more important to a majority of voters than whether woman, immigrants, or LGBTQ people would be targeted and stripped of their rights. That is a horrendous choice, and impossible to argue against.

The best response I can muster is extreme empathy for everyone: for all of the Americans who felt so abandoned by their government that the disingenuous criminal seemed like the best choice to lead them out of hopelessness; for those who will be most severely impacted by the bigoted set of policies that are heading down the track at full speed; and, especially, for the young men who are feeling so rudderless about their own futures that they found solace in the false promises of a wannabe strong man.

As the mother of a young man, this last group concerns me the most. The data does not lie. Young men and boys are indeed struggling. If you follow the work of

Richard Reeves

, founding president of The American Institute for Boys and Men, you know that boys have not only fallen behind girls by academic measures since 2017, they are lagging in employment, at four times the risk of suicide, and generally lack motivation and a sense of purpose in a society where the rules and privileges of being a man are rapidly changing. Likewise, Scott Galloway’s bro-adjacent commentary on the young male demographic has long held that young men’s prospects as both earners and partners are dwindling rapidly. By a dozen other measures, young men are flailing.

And so, Not-Allers — the Good Ones, the Empaths — we want to say that we see you. It seems that you are being presented with an opportunity. Whether you identify as a Dude for Harris, or a Never Trumper, this is your moment. The women, the mothers, the workers, the immigrants, the people of color, the LGBTQ Americans would like to bring you into the circle. Your people, regardless of political affiliation or social status, are experiencing injustice. Join us, please, in the glorious tradition of speaking truth to power, in the interest of those men who have been rendered voiceless. Read up, ask questions, reach out, organize, connect. Build on the momentum of those men who rallied against tyrannical ideals, and engage in the conversation about how to create greater equity for all Americans, including and especially young men. Be examples, be mentors, be leaders in creating a future where young men can thrive, not at the expense of women and non-binary people, but alongside them. As the experts say, it is not a zero sum game.

The goal cannot be to continue to hide behind the passive defense of Not All Men. It must be one where men actively help set the tone for a future in which we can safely say All People are truly considered equal — in opportunity, in civic value, in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, whatever that may look like.

Thank you for joining the fight.

Sincerely,

IWW (for The Rest of Us)

P.S. Richard Reeves’s latest book, Of Boys And Men, is a great place to start.